I've been pondering the nature of being authentic and embracing my true nature a lot lately. We live in a world today where every minute detail of our lives are played out on social media in front of everyone we know and often judged and misinterpreted. So we may learn to play certain aspects of our lives up...and other ones deemed negative or inappropriate by others, down.
Can you relate? I can.
A few years ago I entered one of my self published books into a writing competition. One of the professional criticisms that I received back was that I write very straight-forward, something that he often sees from people who live in New Jersey. I grew up with the impression that this was actually a good thing. Suddenly this very successful publisher was telling me the opposite.
When I am criticized - by anyone - I always take a step back and assess it. I think about what the person is saying and if there is validity to it. I really try to go deep and figure out if there is some way I can learn and grow from what is being said or if the comments are just this other person's "stuff." I dove deeply into this for a long time and in the process, I lost myself. I admit it. I have been holding back - a lot. This holding back, unintentionally or not, created a pattern of me holding on to excess weight and pain in my body. One part of me knew this, but another part of me was still questioning how much I should be who I authentically was and how much I should shut it off so that I was more appealing to others who had criticized me - the least of which was this publisher.
Over the years people have come to me to tell me what other people have said about me. Sometimes these are from people who I know have a personal vendetta against me due to their own jealousies and other "stuff." yet I always listened to the feedback. At first I didn't think that this was affecting me. But in hindsight, I can see how the collected data has. I started to hold back my energy, my light - my power. I started to listen to other people more, in general. And I started critiquing myself based on what other people had to say about how a good yoga teacher should be or should not be too. I started to believe the judgements. And in this process, I stopped being me.
A little tip: you are never going to please all the people all of the time. Someone said that. I have to google it. Point is, you cannot please everyone and - not every one is right either.
About a week ago I moved the yoga studio around. I actually put it the way I wanted to set it up two years ago. These other people's voices that got into my head and had me misjudging myself and my intuition really messed with me. I stopped listening to my gut and started trying to do things I thought other people would like. When I finally course corrected the studio, I felt like my old self. I can only explain it to say that I felt lighter and better than I have in at least the last two years. Moving the studio from East Windsor to Hightstown was a good idea, I knew that. But, I have been complaining how challenging the work has been in reinventing myself. Why? Why did I get the feeling I had to reinvent myself? The question was, what was wrong with me to begin with? Not one of my favorite movies, but there is a line in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts says, "people put you down enough, you start to believe it." Powerful stuff...
I don't know where I get the strength sometimes to pull myself out of things, but I can say that I was raised by a very strong woman and two very strong Grandmothers so I believe that they rubbed off on me in just the right way. I am thankful for all the supportive people that I do have in my life, but at the end of the day, I know that it is only me who can get myself up and going again. I had to pull myself out of whatever self-loathing habit that I had gotten into when I allowed myself to listen to other people's critiques of me. And I had to find myself again. I believe that I have. And I am feeling great.
I will still continue to be mindful of my thoughts and actions. I will speak with truth and integrity, but not when to do so might hurt another person. I will be a better me than I was before because of this. But hey, I'm a Jersey girl. So, really, if you don't like it, head out...turn the page...stop listening. But when you need an honest person to have your back, you'll look for someone like me, won't you?
So, that's me. I'm back, baby...and ready or not, here I come!
In Love...
- T
Can you relate? I can.
A few years ago I entered one of my self published books into a writing competition. One of the professional criticisms that I received back was that I write very straight-forward, something that he often sees from people who live in New Jersey. I grew up with the impression that this was actually a good thing. Suddenly this very successful publisher was telling me the opposite.
When I am criticized - by anyone - I always take a step back and assess it. I think about what the person is saying and if there is validity to it. I really try to go deep and figure out if there is some way I can learn and grow from what is being said or if the comments are just this other person's "stuff." I dove deeply into this for a long time and in the process, I lost myself. I admit it. I have been holding back - a lot. This holding back, unintentionally or not, created a pattern of me holding on to excess weight and pain in my body. One part of me knew this, but another part of me was still questioning how much I should be who I authentically was and how much I should shut it off so that I was more appealing to others who had criticized me - the least of which was this publisher.
Over the years people have come to me to tell me what other people have said about me. Sometimes these are from people who I know have a personal vendetta against me due to their own jealousies and other "stuff." yet I always listened to the feedback. At first I didn't think that this was affecting me. But in hindsight, I can see how the collected data has. I started to hold back my energy, my light - my power. I started to listen to other people more, in general. And I started critiquing myself based on what other people had to say about how a good yoga teacher should be or should not be too. I started to believe the judgements. And in this process, I stopped being me.
A little tip: you are never going to please all the people all of the time. Someone said that. I have to google it. Point is, you cannot please everyone and - not every one is right either.
About a week ago I moved the yoga studio around. I actually put it the way I wanted to set it up two years ago. These other people's voices that got into my head and had me misjudging myself and my intuition really messed with me. I stopped listening to my gut and started trying to do things I thought other people would like. When I finally course corrected the studio, I felt like my old self. I can only explain it to say that I felt lighter and better than I have in at least the last two years. Moving the studio from East Windsor to Hightstown was a good idea, I knew that. But, I have been complaining how challenging the work has been in reinventing myself. Why? Why did I get the feeling I had to reinvent myself? The question was, what was wrong with me to begin with? Not one of my favorite movies, but there is a line in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts says, "people put you down enough, you start to believe it." Powerful stuff...
I don't know where I get the strength sometimes to pull myself out of things, but I can say that I was raised by a very strong woman and two very strong Grandmothers so I believe that they rubbed off on me in just the right way. I am thankful for all the supportive people that I do have in my life, but at the end of the day, I know that it is only me who can get myself up and going again. I had to pull myself out of whatever self-loathing habit that I had gotten into when I allowed myself to listen to other people's critiques of me. And I had to find myself again. I believe that I have. And I am feeling great.
I will still continue to be mindful of my thoughts and actions. I will speak with truth and integrity, but not when to do so might hurt another person. I will be a better me than I was before because of this. But hey, I'm a Jersey girl. So, really, if you don't like it, head out...turn the page...stop listening. But when you need an honest person to have your back, you'll look for someone like me, won't you?
So, that's me. I'm back, baby...and ready or not, here I come!
In Love...
- T
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