When one is on a spiritual path or journey it is not an easy walk. Immersing into the psychology and energies of spiritual traditions is meant to bring the seeker to a higher plane of existence. But first, he or she must go through what is often referred to as the "dark night of the soul" in order to reach it.
Three years ago this September I embarked on such a trip - albeit unknowingly, at first. My grandmother, to whom I was always very close with, had suddenly died, and I was heading to Peru and Bolivia on a Shamanic trip. I knew for some reason that I needed to cleanse and purge before I left. I'd spent the last twenty years amassing "things" and collecting energy and I felt heavy and a deep need inside of me to purge. I began with a box of journals, recordings of my life up to that point and picked up more old files, manuscripts and other documents. I brought them outside to a bonfire and as my husband tended to the sacred fire I burned them all - one at a time. This sacrificial burning was the beginning of a deep cleansing and recasting of energies.
I went on my trip as happy as always to board a plane and head off on another adventure. It was thrilling and I welcomed the magic and mystical journey ahead of me. A mere few days into the trip I had an experience that I will never forget and something that changed me forever. I wrote about this experience in detail in another blog so I will save the details for that. Let me just say that an energy transference occurred for me that day that literally threw me to the ground, unable to move or do anything. This very physical experience lasted long enough to be only mildly problematic for our group and eventually I was able to go about my day visiting sacred sites. But this was only the beginning for me. I had begun a process that I could not undo, and for the next three years I dove deeper into my own darkness than I ever had before.
John of the Cross wrote of this experience as la note oscura or dark night and thought of it as a spiritual purging and an illumination. I know how it started but I cannot say how it all continued to manifest until I was deep into a very difficult period where I questioned everything - including what I was doing and why. I went through hysterical moments of deep sorrow and absolute lack of faith. I cried almost daily and I wondered how I was ever going to move forward in life the way in which I was. I knew deep within me that something had to change, but I didn't understand what it was. The only thing I knew that I had to do was continue to purge.
I began going through my possessions - donating them to organizations and individuals. My friends were scared and didn't know what to do. I was not talking in my usual positive framework. In fact, the things that I usually enjoyed doing I could hardly handle any more and made myself scarce with family and friends. I went to work, but there was no joy in my work. I suffered endlessly wondering if I needed to close the yoga studio and go back to working for someone else or to recreate myself again, but as what?
Angels began speaking to me and I held them close as they felt like the only thing that was keeping me going. I wrote a fictional book about a transformational journey (The Accidental Yogini) and was able to connect to the deep well of negativity that the main character felt in the beginning of the book all too perfectly. But as she changed and transformed in the book, I almost despised my own character's ability to find purpose in her life, feeling that I had somehow missed mine.
To many this may seem like a bunch of "poor-Tracey, itty-poo-poo" crap. I understand. It kind of was. Every time I tried to explain my pit of despair it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Well, either that or nobody knew what to say to me since I was usually the voice of reason.
So I dug deeper and went through a period of unrest in my soul. Who was I? What do I believe in? Why was I doing what I was doing? Was I a good person or a bad one? Did I really resonate with what I taught? Was I missing the point of a spiritual life? Questions kept coming and I then threw myself into a daily gratitude and blessing journal to focus my energy on the wonderful things in my life. Some days I had to force myself to come up with something. Other days I could find a thing. Over time it became easier and felt less fraudulent too.
Somewhere along this journey of endless questioning I realized something very important: I had already figured all of these things out a really long time ago. I knew who I was and what I was doing. I just started listening to everyone else on the planet instead of myself! I teach people not to look outside of him or herself for validation, and yet, there I was doing just that. I was trying to be like other yoga studios, other mentors, other wives, other people - and I was totally miserable. I had spent so much time questioning and looking outside that I forgot to drop back inside to me.
As I write this blog today I feel that I have finally come full circle - three turns of the wheel of the year later. Well, I believe that all spiritual paths come in threes, so why not!? I feel more myself than I have in a very long time, actually. I feel refocused and realigned with a sense of humbleness and purpose in my being that I did not have before. I had to go through some very tough times in order to get here though. I had to leave some of me behind in the process, burning away the impurities of my ego. I am now ready to serve and help others again through the work that I do. And I feel that this time I will be able to tackle that with more wisdom, patience and understanding than before.
Some may not see me as very much different than before. I'm not particularly concerned with how people see me anymore. I try to be the best that I can in any moment and I strive to be a better person all the time. I'm constantly challenged and sometimes I realize I could have handled things better, but at least I am consciously trying. But the reason I write this blog is for anyone who is feeling that same despondency in their being. I understand and I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not the first person to go through the dark night, and you will not be the last. But you will be different one you pass through it. That is for sure.
In Love & Light.
Tracey
Three years ago this September I embarked on such a trip - albeit unknowingly, at first. My grandmother, to whom I was always very close with, had suddenly died, and I was heading to Peru and Bolivia on a Shamanic trip. I knew for some reason that I needed to cleanse and purge before I left. I'd spent the last twenty years amassing "things" and collecting energy and I felt heavy and a deep need inside of me to purge. I began with a box of journals, recordings of my life up to that point and picked up more old files, manuscripts and other documents. I brought them outside to a bonfire and as my husband tended to the sacred fire I burned them all - one at a time. This sacrificial burning was the beginning of a deep cleansing and recasting of energies.
I went on my trip as happy as always to board a plane and head off on another adventure. It was thrilling and I welcomed the magic and mystical journey ahead of me. A mere few days into the trip I had an experience that I will never forget and something that changed me forever. I wrote about this experience in detail in another blog so I will save the details for that. Let me just say that an energy transference occurred for me that day that literally threw me to the ground, unable to move or do anything. This very physical experience lasted long enough to be only mildly problematic for our group and eventually I was able to go about my day visiting sacred sites. But this was only the beginning for me. I had begun a process that I could not undo, and for the next three years I dove deeper into my own darkness than I ever had before.
John of the Cross wrote of this experience as la note oscura or dark night and thought of it as a spiritual purging and an illumination. I know how it started but I cannot say how it all continued to manifest until I was deep into a very difficult period where I questioned everything - including what I was doing and why. I went through hysterical moments of deep sorrow and absolute lack of faith. I cried almost daily and I wondered how I was ever going to move forward in life the way in which I was. I knew deep within me that something had to change, but I didn't understand what it was. The only thing I knew that I had to do was continue to purge.
I began going through my possessions - donating them to organizations and individuals. My friends were scared and didn't know what to do. I was not talking in my usual positive framework. In fact, the things that I usually enjoyed doing I could hardly handle any more and made myself scarce with family and friends. I went to work, but there was no joy in my work. I suffered endlessly wondering if I needed to close the yoga studio and go back to working for someone else or to recreate myself again, but as what?
Angels began speaking to me and I held them close as they felt like the only thing that was keeping me going. I wrote a fictional book about a transformational journey (The Accidental Yogini) and was able to connect to the deep well of negativity that the main character felt in the beginning of the book all too perfectly. But as she changed and transformed in the book, I almost despised my own character's ability to find purpose in her life, feeling that I had somehow missed mine.
To many this may seem like a bunch of "poor-Tracey, itty-poo-poo" crap. I understand. It kind of was. Every time I tried to explain my pit of despair it seemed to fall on deaf ears. Well, either that or nobody knew what to say to me since I was usually the voice of reason.
So I dug deeper and went through a period of unrest in my soul. Who was I? What do I believe in? Why was I doing what I was doing? Was I a good person or a bad one? Did I really resonate with what I taught? Was I missing the point of a spiritual life? Questions kept coming and I then threw myself into a daily gratitude and blessing journal to focus my energy on the wonderful things in my life. Some days I had to force myself to come up with something. Other days I could find a thing. Over time it became easier and felt less fraudulent too.
Somewhere along this journey of endless questioning I realized something very important: I had already figured all of these things out a really long time ago. I knew who I was and what I was doing. I just started listening to everyone else on the planet instead of myself! I teach people not to look outside of him or herself for validation, and yet, there I was doing just that. I was trying to be like other yoga studios, other mentors, other wives, other people - and I was totally miserable. I had spent so much time questioning and looking outside that I forgot to drop back inside to me.
As I write this blog today I feel that I have finally come full circle - three turns of the wheel of the year later. Well, I believe that all spiritual paths come in threes, so why not!? I feel more myself than I have in a very long time, actually. I feel refocused and realigned with a sense of humbleness and purpose in my being that I did not have before. I had to go through some very tough times in order to get here though. I had to leave some of me behind in the process, burning away the impurities of my ego. I am now ready to serve and help others again through the work that I do. And I feel that this time I will be able to tackle that with more wisdom, patience and understanding than before.
Some may not see me as very much different than before. I'm not particularly concerned with how people see me anymore. I try to be the best that I can in any moment and I strive to be a better person all the time. I'm constantly challenged and sometimes I realize I could have handled things better, but at least I am consciously trying. But the reason I write this blog is for anyone who is feeling that same despondency in their being. I understand and I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not the first person to go through the dark night, and you will not be the last. But you will be different one you pass through it. That is for sure.
In Love & Light.
Tracey
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